FRIDAY JOKES

[Oldbloke]

A small boy was lost at the beach, so he went up to a lifeguard and said, "I've lost my dad! 

The lifeguard said, "What's he like? 
The little boy replied, "Beer and women".

[Oldbloke]

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

 

Then he made the world round.......and laughed and laughed and laughed.

[Back Brewing]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, I went by your grandmas house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!

The bikers buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, Ill tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, and says

Grandpa, you're drunk Go home

[Back Brewing]

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." 'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't!" "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have

[Back Brewing]

A Catholic Hairdryer

Catholic school students are taught that lying is a sin. However,

instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to

express the truth differently without lying. A perfect example of this

teaching is Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs:

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside

her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is

unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate

it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you

possibly hide it under your robes for me?'

'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a

lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question

you.' When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official

asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head

down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this

answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from

your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument that has been

designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.' Roaring with

laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!

[Back Brewing]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning...

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a pair of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help," she said. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Er --", the man started to say.

"No, I insist," she replied.

"But --"

"I insist," she repeated, and despite his objections, she gently moved his hands to the side and loosened his pants.

Then she put her hands inside and began to massage him.

After a moment she asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "Well, it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Back Brewing]

A Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband ...asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

His funeral service will be held on Saturday

[Back Brewing]

Two women go to heaven and God asked how they died

The first one says I froze to death and the second woman says I died of a heart attack but there is a story to it

God says we have plenty of time go ahead and explain

She said I went to work but was sure my husband was having an affair so I knocked off early and ran home when I got home my husband was playing video games

I still had my suspicions so ran down to the basement and found no one so I sprinted upstairs looked around and found no one 

Then I thought that she was behind the trees at the back of the house and while I was sprinting over there I had a heart attack 

The first woman looked at her and said if you had of checked the freezer first both of us would still be alive

[Malter White]

[Classic Brewing Co]

3 minutes ago, Malter White said:

That looks like you Malter.

[Back Brewing]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all ...of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little incident, she asks, what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?

He answers, Madam if you farted just looking at it you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!

[Back Brewing]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it

[Back Brewing]

Paddy was being evaluated for mental problems.

The Doctor says " If a train was coming down the hallway towards you, what would you do? "

Paddy replies " I would get in my helicopter and fly away! "

The Doctor then asks " where did you get the helicopter from ?"

Paddys says " the same place you got the fookin train from ! " 

 

[Triple B Brewing]

15 hours ago, Back Brewing said:

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all ...of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little incident, she asks, what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?

He answers, Madam if you farted just looking at it you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!

That’s a cracker @Back Brewing gave me a good ‘ol belly laugh - thanks for that !

[ozdevil]