Classic Brewing Co Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's shirt had stains all over it, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replied, “My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.” “Well I'll be damned.” the man muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the man and apologized. “I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” The man answered, “I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.” .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................. A Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river.He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher... The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.' So the Preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' The Preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him Into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't Found Jesus.' By this time the Preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs so he pulls him up. The Preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus..!!?' The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, 'now tell me this, are you sure this is where he fell in' ? ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 3 Drunk guys entered a taxi The driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine, turns it off again and said "We reached your destination" The first guy gave him money, the second guy said "thank you" then gave him money too,while the third guy slapped the taxi driver, the driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did,the driver asked "What was that for?" the third guy replied "Control your speed next time, you've nearly killed us!" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldbloke Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 The Drover at the Pearly Gates..A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates."Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked."Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered."Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh#t out of the lot of ya!"St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?""A couple of minutes ago" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldbloke Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 The drunk. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldbloke Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison.While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.Suddenly he got up and left the room.As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered,"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kegory Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 Careful @Oldbloke or @PaleMan will ask you to move this to the Wednesday Joke thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldbloke Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Kegory said: Careful @Oldbloke or @PaleMan will ask you to move this to the Wednesday Joke thread. Yes, went through my mind. Then I thought "take a risk" I can only get shot! Edited June 7, 2023 by Oldbloke 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Back Brewing Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 Should just be the joke thread 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Back Brewing Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 (edited) 3 guys in a bar an Aussie, Englishman and Irishman having a drink all of a sudden a gunman comes and starts shooting everyone and everything They jump the bar and run out the back door but when they get out they find there is no escape and only 3 wheat bags on the ground The Aussie says I'm getting in one of those so the other two each jump in a bag as well and they hear the gunman come out. The gunman looks around and sees the 3 wheat bags he kicks the first one with the Aussie and the Aussie goes woof woof he kicks the second bag and the Englishman goes meow meow he kicks the third bag and the Irishman goes potato's Edited June 7, 2023 by Back Brewing 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Back Brewing Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, then sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Back Brewing Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 Hey @Oldbloke have you got a caravan? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldbloke Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 8 hours ago, Back Brewing said: Hey @Oldbloke have you got a caravan? Yes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Back Brewing Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 1 hour ago, Oldbloke said: Yes I thought so hopefully will see you out there one day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldbloke Posted June 8, 2023 Share Posted June 8, 2023 18 hours ago, Back Brewing said: Should just be the joke thread Yep, that's the norm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kegory Posted June 8, 2023 Share Posted June 8, 2023 If the caravan's rocking don't bother knocking. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Back Brewing Posted June 8, 2023 Share Posted June 8, 2023 Little red riding hood skipping through the forest when she sees 2 ears poking out from behind a bush and she says I can see you big bad wolf you can't scare me the wolf says bugger and runs off She is skipping through the forest again and sees a tail on the outside of a bush and says I can see you big bad wolf you can't scare me the wolf says bugger and runs off She is skipping through the forest again and sees 2 eyes peering at her from behind a bush and says I can see you big bad wolf you can't scare me The wolf has had enough and says who are you and she says I'm little red riding hood and the wolf said ok now we got that sorted can you get lost I'm trying to have a s h I t 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Classic Brewing Co Posted June 8, 2023 Author Share Posted June 8, 2023 39 minutes ago, Back Brewing said: Little red riding hood skipping through the forest when she sees 2 ears poking out from behind a bush and she says I can see you big bad wolf you can't scare me the wolf says bugger and runs off She is skipping through the forest again and sees a tail on the outside of a bush and says I can see you big bad wolf you can't scare me the wolf says bugger and runs off She is skipping through the forest again and sees 2 eyes peering at her from behind a bush and says I can see you big bad wolf you can't scare me The wolf has had enough and says who are you and she says I'm little red riding hood and the wolf said ok now we got that sorted can you get lost I'm trying to have a s h I t Mate, you are gonna get zapped, just saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Back Brewing Posted June 8, 2023 Share Posted June 8, 2023 (edited) There is a huge factory fire and a fire unit in attendance the factory owner tells them he will give $100,000 dollars if they can put the fire out as he needs very important papers still inside the factory Word got out and a couple more fire trucks turned up but couldn't put the fire out so the owner said he will give $250,000 to the fire unit that put the fire out but it was getting out of control The owner was getting desperate and said $500,000 to put the fire out just then sirens could be heard approaching all of a sudden a fire truck came belting down the road and straight past all the other units and straight into the fire with old senior fire fighters on the truck They jumped off and fought the fire with gusto and urgency after a long battle they put the fire out and saved the owners important papers The owner ran up and gave them the reward in cash and asked what they are going to do with it and the senior officer said the first thing we're going to do is get the brakes fixed on that bloody truck Edited June 8, 2023 by Back Brewing 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Back Brewing Posted June 8, 2023 Share Posted June 8, 2023 49 minutes ago, Classic Brewing Co said: Mate, you are gonna get zapped, just saying. What for? If I've done something wrong let me know so I don't do it again Shall I delete it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Classic Brewing Co Posted June 8, 2023 Author Share Posted June 8, 2023 10 minutes ago, Back Brewing said: What for? If I've done something wrong let me know so I don't do it again Shall I delete it? No, it's all good IMO, however even disguising offensive words doesn't always work. Don't get me wrong I wasn't offended. Like I said, just saying. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Back Brewing Posted June 12, 2023 Share Posted June 12, 2023 One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Classic Brewing Co Posted June 12, 2023 Author Share Posted June 12, 2023 1 hour ago, Back Brewing said: One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high Sounds like a lawyer would do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldbloke Posted June 12, 2023 Share Posted June 12, 2023 Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero. One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot and he decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you. Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?" Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?" Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt. Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands." Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink. Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you." Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?" Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick." Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?" Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldbloke Posted June 12, 2023 Share Posted June 12, 2023 A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman with a body like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oldbloke Posted June 14, 2023 Share Posted June 14, 2023 The newly-weds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He takes off his pants and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants." "And don't forget that" he replies, "I will always wear the pants in this family!" The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies, "I can't get into your panties!" " And you never will if you don't change your attitude." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Classic Brewing Co Posted June 14, 2023 Author Share Posted June 14, 2023 Logics https://www.instagram.com/reel/CtZh2kAgA9B/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA== Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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