SATURDAY JOKES

[Classic Brewing Co]

Because it's Saturday, here's a few jokes.

SATURDAY JOKES
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you ...... idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember....

 

One sunny Saturday morning...
Joe and his buddy Ryan decide to go golfing. Joe was setting up his tee when a funeral procession drove by on the nearby road. Joe immediately took off his hat, and stood perfectly still until the procession had passed. Ryan said "Joe, that's one of the most respectful things I've ever seen." Joe responds, "Well, we were married for 35 years after all."

 

It's a Saturday evening...
It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"
The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"
The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

[Journeyman]

An Irishman walks into a bar & orders 3 pints of Guinness. The barman serves him & stands watching. The Irishman takes a sip from one, then the next, then the 3^rd. He continues this way till they’re finished.

As he’s about to leave, the barman asks what’s with the 3 pints & how he drinks them.

The irish guy says… “I’m one of triplets & although me brother Dermot stayed in the mother country, Paddy & meself, Mick, have travelled. Paddy’s in Canada & I came out to Australia. But we agreed that every Saturday we’d get together for a drink, each in our own country.”

“That’s great,” said the barman & Mick walks out.

This happens every Saturday for a couple of months, then one day Mick walks in & orders 2 pints of Guinness & sits to drink them.

The barman watches & feels terrible for Mick as he realises one of the brothers must have died. He walks over to where Mick is sitting.

“Ah, Mick, how are you?”

“I’m fine,” says Mick

The barman shuffles a bit then says…

“Mate, I’m sorry for your loss.”

Mick is mystified & asks what he means.

“Well,” says the barman, “When you only ordered 2 pints I thought maybe one of your brothers had died & was unable to have a drink with you.”

Mick laughs aloud and says, “No, no, it’s me! I’ve put on the weight a bit, so I’ve given up the grog.”

 

 

Woman on a bus can't help but overhear the convo of the two Indian gentlemen behind her (from India)

‘I am to be telling you, it is to be spelling womb, W.O.M.B’

‘No, no, no, no… it is being spelled whoom, W.H.O.O.M’

After listening to it go back & forth for a bit she can’t help it, and turning around she says, ‘please I hate to interrupt but the gentleman here is correct, the word is spelled WOMB"

The other guy says, ‘Please to be thanking you very much but could you be telling me where you are hearing the sound of an elephant farting underwater?’

 

 

A guy is drinking in the pub & decides to get another beer. He tries to stand up to go to the bar & falls flat on his face. Undeterred he crawls to the bar, uses it to lever himself up & orders a drink.

He decides not to risk trying to get back to his chair because his legs seem a bit wobbly so he stands there & finishes his drink & decides to leave. As he turns from the bar he falls again, so he crawls to the door & then tries to stand up using the rail beside the steps. As soon as he lets go he falls again so he crawls home, Tries to stand up at the front door & can’t so he reaches up & unlocks the door, crawls inside, along the hall & then crawls into bed beside his sleeping wife.

In the morning the phone rings & his wife gets up to answer it

She comes back in & shakes him awake.

“You went to the pub & got drunk last night didn’t you?”

“What makes you think that?” he asks defensively.

“That was the pub on the phone – you left your wheelchair in the bar!”

 

Edited March 13, 2021 by Journeyman

[stquinto]

Here's one for you :

Two women are having a coffee in the late afternoon. One says :

"Damn - there's my husband coming home, and he's carrying a bunch of flowers. I suppose I'll have to spend the rest of the evening with my legs in the air"

and the other one goes

"Why ? Haven't you got a vase?"

[Classic Brewing Co]

Saturday Jokes

This gives new meaning to ' Beer Garden '

 

 

[Aussiekraut]

A guy walks into a bar and yells out "a beer and a shot for everyone". So the bartender starts pouring drinks like mad and everyone in the bar is happy. When it comes to paying, the guy says "I don't have any money", so the bar tender throws him out. Next day, the guy comes in again and the same thing happens. He has no money and gets thrown out. On the third day, he again shouts a beer and a shot to everyone but says to the bartender "you don't get a shot today because you always pick a fight when you've had a drink".